Marriages Need The Gospel, Too
If you have been FB friends or “real life” friends with me for any length of time, or have read my blog, you will know that I am an open book. I share my struggles and heartaches as well as my joys and triumphs.
But one thing I share about very often is my marriage. I have shared publicly and privately about how and why my marriage started, the abuse I endured, our open marriage, and how God changed my husband and in turn softened my heart to Him, and how God redeemed my marriage. (If you haven’t read that, you can here)
I talk about abuse in marriage and church on a regular basis. I discuss purity culture and the harm it brings. I have also disclosed how hard healing has been and some of the things that God has brought into my life to help me with that process. I have shared the quite miraculous and positive changes in my husband and our marriage over the years.
As I write this, we have approached our 14th wedding anniversary. Fourteen years. Wow. With each passing year, several things come to mind: First, I can’t believe I have been with the same person for this long. Honestly. I mean, obviously I knew that marriage encompassed that, but until you actually are spending each year with your spouse, you don’t quite understand. And very honestly, I didn’t think we would make it this far. Second, I remember less and less vividly the desperate sense of feel “stuck” in my marriage and wishing I could escape. And lastly, I am finding that my husband is now my best friend, confidant, someone who loves me like Christ commands, and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Seriously. His arms are where I find comfort and healing. When I am there, I feel safe and loved and a profound sense of peace and belonging. And it is truly a miracle of God.
You may ask then why I spend so much time talking about abuse and purity culture and the like? If my marriage is so good now, why bring up the past and share it? I have been told recently by people I loved and admired that I was living in the past, and had a victim mentality. Apparently I share about the hurt I have experienced and the way God has released me and saved me from it through the power of the Gospel because I enjoy being a victim and relishing in my sin…..
I have found out a few things by the way I have chosen to share my story. I have found that my story isn’t rare. It isn’t “fringe”. It isn’t “Well your experience is unique and not the norm”. While my open marriage may have been more…unusual…the pain and heartache I have experienced in my marriage and the sense of complete and utter helplessness isn’t. Women share with me often of how their husbands treat them, and how their pastors or those around them respond, how the books that are recommended make it worse, and ask for my and Brad’s advice. Christian women often feel abandoned in their marriages. And that is to the church’s shame.
I share my story because I remember that feeling of helplessness. That feeling of being trapped. I will never forget telling our then pastor about our past after we had already come out the other side of our open marriage (because there was absolutely no way we were telling anyone during the dark times what we were doing or experiencing) and were working toward healing and restoration, and he told us “I’m so sorry to hear all that. Have you considered not using any birth control and having as many children as God would grant you?” *blinks slowly* Yeah, he actually said that. Pastors don’t often know how to handle hard marriage issues. And then the books they are often recommending are making things worse. If you want to know more on what books are harmful, I highly recommend reading “The Great Sex Rescue” by Sheila Wray Gregorie.
I share because couples are given self help books on how to be a better spouse (and usually for the woman that means how to be a better lover and not tell your husband no lest he cheat and it be your fault because sex is a desperate need he has) rather than being pointed to Christ. I share because I get asked often, “How did you fix your marriage? What did you do to make him change? What can I do to make my marriage better?”
Let me tell you.
I didn’t.
God did.
The gospel did.
I was ready to walk away. I was planning to walk away. I had build walls so thick and high that only God could and did break them. I had so withdrawn emotionally to avoid being hurt that I tolerated my husband but didn’t truly love him. I allowed trauma to be heaped on me by those around me trying to help or encourage me, and in the process of trying to heal was continually being re traumatized for years. My healing and our restoration has been so. slow. And it has been hard.
Over the last 8 years, it has been a slow and steady diet of seeking the gospel and God. To know Him, not just about Him. To understand what we believe and why. To know Who God is more than what tradition and men tell us we should be doing. It has been a long, hard excruciating journey. While I didn’t leave my husband, and while “love has won”, my healing has been a roller coaster ride. It has taken so much work and searching and learning about trauma and what is normal and not normal in marriage. It has taken digging deeper into the Bible and theology and challenging everything I thought I knew. We have had to deconstruct and reform everything.
I share because it was Facebook friends sharing about abuse that helped me to see the abuse in my own marriage that others hadn’t told me. Friends who shared To Love, Honor, & Vacuum blogs by Sheila Wray Gregorie; sharing about trauma and how it affects the body; sharing about betrayal trauma and trauma bonding; sharing about the love of God for believers; sharing the gospel over and over; sharing things about what is normal and healthy in marriage. It took people constantly sharing information that brought me to a place of healing that I wouldn’t otherwise be in. And I see so many of my friends in a place where they may not see the wrong, or they do but no one validates it and they feel crazy, or they do and yet don’t know what to do with that knowledge. I desperately desire to help those who are living in darkness to see the Light.
I share because while my past brings me pain and shame, it also points to the amazing work and grace of God. I once was accused of not seeing my sin the way God sees it because I share about my struggles so openly, and yet I believe I am able to share my struggles because I see them as God sees them- covered in the blood of Christ; forgiven; forgotten. I am able to talk about my past and struggles for the very reason that they are my past. God has taken a part of my story that was shameful and painful and has used it for His glory. He has redeemed my life and marriage. And when I am open about that, it gives me the opportunity to point others to Christ. I have a unique opportunity to show Christ to those who are hurting; to share the gospel and the power it has to break the chains of sin’s power over us. This in no way means that we don’t struggle, but the power that sin had over me and my husband is no more. We see it and repent and are continually looking to Christ and surrounding ourselves with people who point us to Christ. And I desperately desire to be that for others- to be a woman who continually points others to Christ. And I do that by sharing how He redeemed my marriage.
So no, no, I am not living in the past. I am not just trying to be a victim. I am not just trying to tear down authors and tell everyone they are wrong and I am right. I am pleading as someone who has been through the hurt of abuse that we stop perpetuating it. I am begging others to pay attention to their friends, to recognize the signs so you can be there for those who need someone. I am urging education of what is helpful and what is harmful. I am desiring to live my life to the glory of God, pointing others to Him, and to share hope.
Why do I speak against Purity Culture and abuse? Because it is a gospel issue...having a set of rules is not effectively mortifying the flesh and is not relying on the finished work of Calvary but on our works-namely avoidance. This is not a matter of bitterness or being unable to let go of my past, but is a warning to others as well as acknowledging the damage of false teaching. When we get the gospel wrong, we cause damage.
With that said, here is one of my favorite resources for explaining the gospel:
https://www.paramountchurch.com/the-gospel
Purity culture is introspective. Too much marriage advice is also introspective and relies on “do this and live” which is law, but completely lacks gospel- because of what Christ has done for you, rest in the finished work of Christ and believe He will work in you what He wills. Here is a message series that changed my view on sexuality and marriage:
Paramount Church: Jacksonville, FL > Do You Not Know?
We need the gospel. Always. Every day. In ever area of our lives. Disciplines, while not bad or wrong and often very useful, don’t have the power for change that lasts.
And so, when you look at my Facebook timeline and see posts about trauma, abuse, my marriage, and lots and lots of theology posts, it is because I have a deep love for my Savior and for people. I have experienced the grace of God and the power of the Good News, and I wish for everyone to know that. And unlike some, I believe the gospel can never be assumed, but must be presented always. Looking to anything but Christ to change us is hopeless.
(But I also warn against seeing God as a genie- someone Who will fix your marriage if you just do the right things. That is prosperity gospel and I have written against that here.)
And if you watch my posts and think “This isn’t relevant to me or my marriage so I don’t get what the big deal is”, you should be incredibly thankful. I then urge you to take the opportunity to educate yourself so as to be able to recognize when someone else is in a place to need your help identifying or escaping abuse. Part of being the Body of Christ is not simply saying “be warmed and filled, I’ll pray for you” and walking away, but getting down in the nitty gritty and being informed and ready to listen and encourage and take action.
Here are a few resources that have greatly helped me:
Paramount Church: Jacksonville, FL > Guilt, Grace, & Gratitude: A Paradigm For Comfort
(Andrew is Egalitarian, which I am not, so I don’t affirm all the wording in this. But I still appreciate it.)
https://andrewjbauman.com/christlikeorpornlike/
Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage:
The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
(Not a Christian source, but very good nonetheless. Very very useful and important!)
Sex in a Broken World: How Christ Redeems What Sin Distorts
Follow Leslie Vernick, Sheila Wray Gregorie, Sarah McDugal, and Andrew Bauman (I don’t always agree with everything from any of these people but they provide great resources and information on trauma and marriage.)
I also highly recommend the podcasts Theocast, Theology Gals, Kaisis, Glory Cloud Podcast, Bare Marriage Podcast, Him We Proclaim, and White Horse Inn for more on the gospel, theology, and marriage/gender and abuse related topics.
I have more books on my “to read” list but won’t recommend until I have read them. But will try to update this as I am able to add books and resources.
I can’t help “fix” your marriage or relationship, but I can point you to Christ and share the gospel with you. And I will not shy away from telling you to get help. I love you all. And I pray for many of you often.
Let me share this with you. A few weeks ago my husband came home and I was standing in the kitchen making dinner as usual, and he walked over and kissed me and said “Thank you for being such an amazing wife and mother….wait, let me rephrase that- thank you for being such an amazing *person”. 😭♥️
Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely adore my “role” as a wife and mother and wouldn’t want it any other way. It is my dream life. But I LOVE that my husband is working hard to break the pattern of seeing me through the lens of only my “roles” and is seeing ME.
He has been changing diapers, getting up at night with the baby (who is almost 2 😂), and over all being my partner for the first time really since we have been married (and this is baby #4). He helps clean up after dinner and generally just tries to do his part as someone who lives in the house. This is HUGE! This has been an incredible change coming from the man who once looked at me while I was pregnant and had asked him to wash the dishes because the smell of the dishwater made me vomit, and told me “No! No way. Why should I work all day and come home and do your work, too? Just do it” then ignored me as I vomited my way through washing the dishes. The man who used to tell me “It’s not that I don’t love you, I do, it’s that I would like you more if you were skinny. It’s nothing personal, just facts,” and who encouraged me often to lose weight, now tells me every day how attractive he finds me and has smashed all my insecurities with compliments, love, and praise.
This last two years of learning actual historical Reformed theology and digging deeper into Christ and His rest has changed everything. Understanding how we need the gospel in every day life has been life changing. Marriages need the gospel, too. And I am so thankful for how the gospel and rest in Christ changes us. ♥️
This week is my 14th anniversary to the man of my dreams. To God be all the glory. Soli Deo Gloria.
Grace and peace.
Jennifer Moodie at Purely & Graciously His
Song of Songs 2:16a
My beloved is mine, and I am his;
Song of Songs 8:7
Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love
all the wealth of his house,
he would be utterly despised.
1 John 4:7-21
God Is Love
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.
By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.
Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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