“Modesty” and the Gospel: A Word From Your SSA Sister In Christ
"Modesty" and the Gospel:
A Word From Your SSA Sister In Christ
by Jennifer Moodie
2/14/22
Last week, a pastor had a post go viral on the topic of modesty. And social media lost it's mind. Again. This topic isn't new. And every time it comes up, it triggers me a little bit.
Many people responded to the post and wrote much clearer and thorough posts than I could hope to, and I will link some of them here, because I think they are worth sharing. But something that bothers me every time this comes up is that when some of us we say we don't think "modesty" and "women, men need you to dress a certain way to help guard them from lust" should be in the same sentence, so many jump to "So, you think women can be naked and men shouldn't notice?" That isn't what is being said. That is jumping to extremes to prove a point that is missing the point of the real point trying to be made. And it just muddies the waters.
A big thing that comes up when I talk about this topic is people assuming that if I say women aren't responsible for men's sin of lust, that I am also saying that women don't need to be modest. That isn't true. The Bible is clear that we are to be modest. But modesty in the context of the passage, 1 Timothy 2:9-10, is talking about not drawing attention to ourselves using our wealth. Modesty is more than just covering our bodies so we aren't naked, but is not dressing in a way that is flashy or drawing attention to us. And dare I say, it includes our attitudes and demeanor. Again, the fruit of the Spirit includes meekness, and (I know this is controversial) the fruit of the Spirit aren't gendered. So modesty is something we all as Christians should strive for. I don’t have a problem with talking about modesty. My issue isn’t the topic. I take issue with men telling women how to dress or else they can’t see them as a whole person, and will objectify them. That is where I disagree in the modesty discussion.
Here are some wonderful podcast episodes discussing modesty that I think are really helpful.
Talking Back To Purity Culture
Purity Culture with Rebecca Lemke
Overcorrection: Purity Culture, Leggings, Feminism, Patriarchy
Now, with all of the responses I saw, I decided to write my own, not because I thought I could do better than anyone else. I wanted to write my own response because I didn't see one from the perspective of someone like me- someone who is a female that is sexually attracted to females but who doesn't act on it.
Whenever this topic of modesty comes up, people loudly proclaim, "You just don't know how hard it is for men! They are so visual and think about sex constantly, so seeing women's bodies uncovered in any context makes it hard to keep from lusting. You just have no idea and can't relate, and therefore you need to make it easy for them by covering up. You can't understand the struggles they have simply because you are a woman and they are men. And every man is visual and struggles with lust."
*deep sigh*
Let me first start by saying: that argument has many flaws and lies. That argument, I believe, is also conjecture and I dare say projection. Just because some women may not understand the high sex drive some men have doesn't at all mean that all women are unable to comprehend it. I am in enough women only groups and have enough female friends to know that women like sex too, and many have high sex drives, many even have higher drives than their husband's. I also know that women are visual as well. You can't tell me that movies put good looking, muscled, and well dressed men in movies just for funsies. I have heard enough, and know from experience that women like looking at men- the way their forearms look when they have dress shirts on and the sleeves rolled up; the way they look in a well fitted t-shirt and jeans; I have heard many comments from adolescence on about the way certain pants make men's hind ends look; I have heard sufficient "mmmm (insert male celebrity name here) is so yummy!" to know that women are visual. They aren't attracted to these men because they are good listeners, or help around the house. So to constantly say that men are visual but women are only emotional is to mischaracterize both genders.
I wouldn't normally share something so explicit, but I came across this podcast because it was shared with me due to the subject matter of sex and purity culture that I write about. This is an interview with an escort who grew up as an evangelical preacher's daughter. I think it sheds some light on the misconception that men only care about sex devoid of emotional connection. **explicit content warning** Listening to what this woman has to say about men and sex, having grown up in the evangelical purity culture, and then now making her living as a sex worker, is I think important.
Now, I grew up in the environment that scrutinized women's dress to be sure that we were modest for the sake of men. I have written before about the class I took at a women's conference where they took magazine pictures and told us all the immodest ways each women were dressed- from their sleeveless top showing a bit of pectoral muscle which would lead men to think of the breast, slits too high which would lead the men to imagine what it looked like up higher, shirts showing too much of the chest, skirts too tight which made men imagine what our butts looked like naked... you know, stuff like that. It had a two fold effect on me. First, it made me uncomfortable around men. I was always concerned that something was wrong with how I was dressed and then I would be culpable for men lusting. And when we are taught to look for or be careful of things such as coming out of our bedroom braless, how we bend over, wearing our purse strap across our chest, and wearing an undershirt to cover more of the bra lines under our shirt, well, then it is easy to notice much more. The phrase “Leave a little to the imagination” bothers me because it implies that men want to imagine. They want things covered enough that they can fantasize about what it looks like underneath that covering. That is…well…weird. And creepy.
This article does a great job of nailing how this is all so irrational and damaging, along with this twitter thread, and this twitter thread.
But a big thing that others don't talk about and that I have no articles to link to, is how all that shaped me as a female who has been sexually attracted to female bodies since before I knew what sexual attraction was. I am talking at the age of like...5. I have been obsessed with the female form ever since I could remember. And growing up in an environment that was also obsessed with the female form in the name of "modesty" did nothing to curb the obsession. I wasn't taught to look at women as whole human beings, but as body parts that will trap my brothers, father, future boyfriend, husband, and any men in the church or my extended family. I was taught to look at women’s bodies to decide if they were modest enough or if I needed to tell my brothers to look away, or to skip scenes in movies or shows, or to color over pictures in books and magazines, flip over the magazines in the checkout lane or cover them up with a 'gospel tract', or to ask women to put more clothes on for our comfort. We women had to be on the lookout for other women's immodesty to protect men from it. So I got a free pass, permission, nay, even instruction to constantly scrutinize women's bodies for signs of immodesty. I developed a pornographic style of relating.
No one thought anything of my looking at magazines and having the JCPenny catalog because I was a female. I most definitely was sitting on the couch in the living room, looking at the underwear section of the catalog, and flipping to any other section when people came by. I was allowed to talk about other's immodesty in a degrading manner, as if those not dressed according to the standards set by my family and church were heathens and in need of Jesus and most likely were purposefully trying to trap the men you cared about. This completely undermined the teaching that we all need Jesus, even when we dressed 'appropriately'. Dressing a certain way didn't make us need Jesus less. But it gave an 'us vs. them' scenario where those of us who wore only skirts to our mid calf, shirts to no lower than two fingers below the collarbone, and wore everything a size or more too big to cover our figures were closer to Jesus than those who didn't.
I learned quickly that women with full figures were more desirable and needed more covering than those without said figures. And large people weren’t a stumbling block, they were just…undesirable to look at and needed to cover for that reason. I learned that breasts made men weak in the knees, and our posteriors and legs made them go to fantasy land. Which I related to. Everything I was taught men thought about women, I thought. And instead of being able to have the scapegoat of "please cover up for me so I don't stumble and daydream about your body”, I had to learn to have self control. I was a female who desired female bodies, and in the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB), homosexuality was like the unpardonable sin. So I was alone in my struggle. I couldn’t talk about it. I couldn’t ask for help. And I sure as heck couldn’t blame anyone else for my lust. I was around females in locker rooms, dorm rooms, at sleepovers, and other situations that I couldn’t escape.
Once I was older, I found ways to look at the female form. I found art books at the library, sneak read romance novels including Christian books like Redeeming Love, and eventually found pornography. I became addicted to porn, but only lesbian porn. Having men in it lessened the appeal for me. Getting married to a man I absolutely love and was sexually attracted to and having children didn’t lessen it, either. In fact, I think getting married made it worse. I was even more on the lookout to “keep my husband safe” from all those who would take his attention off me, and in the meantime I was consuming women’s bodies myself. I was so afraid that my husband would look and lust, that I obsessed over every possible “stumbling block”. It causes me to go deeper and deeper into my lust.
It was a gospel-less existence. Every time I tried not to think about it, it was like saying “Don’t think about a pink elephant!” Well I wasn’t before, but I am now! Thanks a lot! I prayed, begged, and pleaded with God to take my desires away. I bartered, negotiated, and made so many promises to God that I couldn’t and didn’t keep. I questioned if God was real, because if he hated this sin so much, why would he continue to allow me to struggle with it? I was in a place of utter despair and defeat, and often questioning my salvation.
It hasn't been until the last few years when I began to understand the gospel more, and understand the power of the gospel in sanctification, and that sanctification is God working in me to bear the fruit of the Spirit, and isn't brought about by my working hard to not sin, that I have actually been able to have victory in this area. This doesn't mean I am not tempted anymore nor does it mean that I don't fall, because I am still a sinful human in a fallen world, but I find that when I am tempted, I am able to call on the Lord for deliverance and resist better. And when I fall, I can go before him in humble repentance knowing He has forgiven me and that sin is under the blood of His Son.
I have learned what it means to see others as Imago Dei, made in the image of God, and not as stumbling blocks. James says in chapter 1 verses 14-15, "But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death." [emphasis mine] When Jesus was giving the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5, He says in verses 27 through 29, "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that our whole body be thrown into hell." Jesus is showing us how we can not keep the law. It is easy for some of us not to commit physical adultery, but impossible to keep the law here of never lusting. This is why we need gospel.
The gospel and rest in Christ alone has the power to change us. The Holy Spirit working in us to produce the fruit of the Spirit, is what produces self control. Not others covering up for us, causing us to not actually have to work...which, bee-tee-dubs, doesn't work. Because lust is a heart issue, not an eye or circumstances issue. Having more rules for us to follow doesn't actually produce heart change, which is why Christ died. He lived to obey the law and died to fulfill the law and give us His Holy Spirit and clothe us in His righteousness, because we could never obey the law on our own.
This message series talks a lot about the gospel mystery of sanctification, and was so helpful to me in this. The same pastor also did this message series on 1 Corinthians 6, entitled "Do You Not Know?" that was pivotal for me in understanding sexual sin. Please take the time to listen. You will be blessed, and I hope it helps to clarify a few things about what I believe and what I am trying to say.
But modesty being used as a way to help keep men from lusting has been used to victim blame those who have been raped or sexually assaulted or abused. I know people personally who were and they were asked “Well, what were you wearing?” or been told “Well, when you (or a woman) dress like that, what do you expect?” This is shameful and not Christlike. When Jesus confronted the men about to stone the woman caught in adultery in John 7, he didn’t stop and ask, “Well, what were you wearing that made him want you?” No, he said, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” He didn’t blame shift. Jesus hung out with and was a friend to prostitutes and sinners.
I love how pastor Adriel Sanchez puts this:
I find it so interesting that we constantly hear how women need to cover up to help keep our brothers from sinning, but we don't hear how men should stop wearing tailored suits, stop posting sweaty gym selfies flexing their muscles, holding babies, wearing correctly fitting jeans and dress shirts with the sleeves rolled up, or many other things that we women find incredibly attractive. Can we not have this be a one sided conversation? We expect self control in areas of alcohol, money, food consumption (not being a glutton), controlling our temper and our tongue, but why do we give a pass to men in the area of lust simply because they are men and 'can't help that seeing a woman turns them on as part of their nature'? I think sometimes we expect more self control from toddlers in controlling what comes natural to them than we do from grown men...
This spells out so much that I think says some of what I tried to say.
I hope that this has been in some way helpful to clearing up a few things about why I talk about this subject with the passion I do. My goal isn't to say that modesty doesn't matter, but how we talk about it definitely does. Let's reframe the teaching on modesty to make it about glorifying God with our bodies and not drawing attention to ourselves, and less about objectifying half the population to keep the other half from sinning. Objectification comes not just in terms of seeing others as a form of entertainment for pleasure, but also as seeing people apart from their whole person- seeing them in terms of an object to be consumed rather than as a person to treat respectfully. We cannot keep ourselves in a bubble of 'properly covered women', and must learn to deal with seeing things we can't control. We will see magazines, billboards, people out in public, or on the mission field and we must be able to look at them as whole people, not as body parts that we need to keep from looking at. God knows I already do that in my own sinful flesh, I don't need taught on how to do that in a way that excuses it.
All this to say, I am a woman who actually does understand in some regards what men go through, so I can empathize, but I still wholeheartedly disagree with lumping modesty in with the admonition to not cause men to sin/lust. Either God is true in his word when He says in 1 Corinthians 10:13, "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." or He is a liar. He doesn't say He will protect us from temptation, but that He will help us endure it.
Romans 15:5,6 "May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ."
Grace and Peace
~Jennifer Moodie
(This is a joke. Just laugh)
More resources on this topic:
Here is an amazing episode on Loving our Neighbors and Biblical Sexual Ethics
Jessica here at Beggar’s Daughter talks about her struggle with being addicted to pornography
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