I have been asked several times recently why I talk about abuse "so much". Apparently everyone just likes to be offended and now we label it abuse when people say things we don't like... Isn't it 'woke' to talk about abuse? This must just be a result of a pampered, oversensitive, coddled, and woke culture full of snowflakes, because it never used to be this bad, right?
I believe the rise of social media has really impacted the illusion that abuse is somehow on the rise or a new 'woke' thing. Yes, I said 'woke'. It was implied to me that my talking about abuse was 'woke'. Woke, by the dictionary definition, means: aware of and actively attentive to important facts and issues (especially issues of racial and social justice).So I guess by that definition, yes, I am woke. I have been made aware of and am actively attentive to important facts and issues related to the topic of abuse. (However, that isn't how the word is being used today and I dislike it being used as a slam against talking about important issues, or as a way to dismiss them and write off the person speaking.) It was social media that gave me a voice. It was social media that provided the necessary information for me to identify that I was being abused in my marriage. It was on social media that I first heard that what I was experiencing was abuse, that it wasn't right, that it was not my fault, and that I was allowed to stand against it and defend myself, take action to hold my abuser accountable, and even remove myself from the situation. It was on social media where I first had an advocate. So it is social media where I use my voice to advocate for others.
I have explained a bit about why I talk about it and why this topic matters to me so much in another post. Now, let us now explore a bit about what abuse is and see if it is a Biblical concept or if it is simply a construct of an over-coddled, sissified, snowflake, woke, and liberal nation whose feelings just get hurt really easily and who cry 'abuse' whenever someone says something we don't like. I desire to be careful because, as Syndrome in The Incredibles states, "Everyone can be a super! And when everyone's super, no one will be." In other words, if we label everything abuse, then for all intents and purposes, abuse becomes obsolete. And that is certainly not my goal. Ever.
So, What is abuse? A friend, Don Owsley, shared this that I thought was relevant, and I am sharing with permission-
“Noah Webster, the "Father of American Scholarship and Education" of the American colonial era, raised in a Reformed Congregationalist church, a Yale graduate, Federalist, and abolitionist defined abuse in his highly acclaimed dictionary (Webster’s 1828 American Dictionary of the English Language):
(1) To use ill; to maltreat, to misuse; to use with bad motives or to wrong purposes
(2) To violate, to defile by improper sexual intercourse (rape)
(3) To deceive, to impose on.
(4) To treat rudely, or with reproachful language; to revile.
(5) To pervert the meaning of; to misapply; as to abuse words.
Contemporary definitions:
Abuse is to bully, misuse, hurt, injure, or damage, vilify or revile (verbal abuse), physically maltreat (hitting, beating, rape)"
Did you know that there are many different types of abuse? Physical abuse isn't the only form of abuse recognized. This website gives great definitions to many but I wanted to highlight a few here:
Domestic violence/physical violence
Sexual abuse
Emotional Abuse
Gaslighting
Financial Abuse
Verbal Abuse
Spiritual Abuse
Now, I realize that we are all probably aware of what constitutes physical and sexual abuse, so I don't feel the need to go into them, but I did want to spend some time on explaining gaslighting, emotional, verbal, and spiritual abuse.
Emotional Abuse
The Department of Justice defines emotional abuse thusly:
Emotional abuse happens when a person uses words or actions to control, frighten or isolate someone or take away their self-respect. Emotional abuse is sometimes called psychological abuse. It can include:
threats, put downs, name calling or insults
constant yelling or criticism
controlling or keeping someone from seeing friends or family
making fun of preventing someone from practicing their faith or religion
destroying belongings, hurting pets or threatening to do so
bullying: intimidation or humiliation (including on the Internet)
Healthy relationshipsinvolve both parties feeling safe, respected, and free to express their thoughts, pursue their interests, and change their appearance without fear of being embarrassed. Emotional abuse can include humiliation in order to dismiss and minimize your own feelings and worth. This could take the form of:
Calling you names
Making patronizing comments
Publicly embarrassing you (including online)
Making “jokes” at your expense; which may also include dismissing any hurt feelings you incur as being “unable to take a joke”
Belittling your accomplishments
Making insults about your appearance
Putting down your interests
Insulting or trying to control your clothing, hairstyle, or any physical changes
Infantilizing you or acting as though they know what’s best for you
Deliberately putting you in physically- or emotionally-uncomfortable positions (such as locking you out of your home or making a scene in a social situation)
I know that many of us have experienced this at one point in our lives. I know I have. Many times. From many people over extended periods of time. It has lasting effects on the brain and the body. But more about that later.
Verbal abuse and emotional abuse can be used interchangeably.
Example of what is and is not emotional or verbal abuse- "I don't care for that dress on your body type. Why don't we try this one?" is not abusive. We may not like it, but it isn't abusive.
"That dress accentuates your belly and makes you look pregnant. What size is it? HOLY COW it's what??? Tell you what, if you will exercise, eat less carbs and sugars, and get down to ____ size, I will buy you a dress and take you out to dinner. It isn’t that I don’t love you, it’s just that I like you more when you are thinner” is emotional abuse. Saying “you sing funny. Listen to how I do it and copy me”, “You don’t dress modestly like my ex did” are more examples of emotional abuse.
Leslie Vernick has a great test you can take to see if you are in an emotionally abusive marriage/relationship. I took this and it is what opened my eyes to my abuse. You can find that here- Relationship Test.
Gaslighting
Whenever we look at emotional abuse, gaslighting comes up. So what is it, and why is it in the category of abuse? Gaslighting is defined as:to psychologically manipulate (a person) usually over an extended period of time so that the victim questions the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and experiences confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, and doubts concerning their own emotional or mental stability : to subject (someone) to gaslighting.
Gaslighting makes you feel crazy. It makes you question your reality and doubt your ability to recall facts correctly.
Now, all of these things are things that on occasion, we all do. We all say things that are unkind, sarcastic and demeaning, or even gaslighting others. It is a part of being a sinful human. That doesn't make us all abusers. So what is the difference? I appreciated Ngina Otiende's thoughts here: “But what differentiates a healthy person from a destructive person is their willingness to take individual responsibility (with fruit to show) for their individual sins and ways they have hurt their spouse or injured their relationship.
Healthy people do not have patterns of destructive behavior. If they display destructive or abusive characteristics or behavior (often as incidents or short seasons, never as repetitive patterns), they take responsibility for them and change.”
The difference is taking responsibility when we have hurt others with our words vs having a pattern of being rude, unkind, and hurtful and then not caring how it affects others. That is the difference.
Leslie Vernick has a great video explaining "What is Emotional Abuse? When is the Line Crossed?"
She has another entitled "Is Emotional Abuse Real?" that I recommend anyone who is still struggling with this notion to watch.
I appreciated her short, 6 minute video, explaining why if you aren't being hit you can still be abused. watch that here.
Her Article, "Let's Not Call It Abuse" is a must read! Please take the time to do so. You won't regret it. In the article she states, "Our culture is adept at watering down language so that it becomes vague, meaningless and doesn’t offend. For example the phrase termination of a pregnancy is softer than the phrasekilling an unborn child. Terminating a pregnancy lacks the emotional wallop of the truth – a real baby is being killed. Termination of pregnancy sounds nicer and it whitewashes and sanitizes the true meaning of what’s happening to both the child and the mother.
When we refuse to recognize and name emotional abuse for what it is and instead describe it as marital conflict or mutual sin, it’s not that we’re incorrect; it’s that we are imprecise. We water down what’s really happening."
Spiritual Abuse
Another form of abuse is spiritual abuse. In their book, "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse", (a book I highly recommend) authors David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen define it this way:
“When your words and actions tear down another, or attack or weaken a person’s standing as a Christian—to gratify you, your position or your beliefs while at the same time weakening or harming another—that is spiritual abuse.”
— The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse
This podcast episode from The Place We Find Ourselves on Spiritual Abuse is helpful. I highly recommend the entire podcast in general.
Unfortunately I know so many people, myself included, who have been the victim of spiritual abuse in their church. Scripture twisting and using scripture maliciously to ensure a certain behavior or outcome from another or to assert control over another is also spiritual abuse. Many women are spiritually abused by their husbands and pastors using passages such as 1 Corinthians 7, or Ephesians 5. It is a real epidemic.
I highly recommend the book, Bully Pulpit, by Michael Kruger. Here is a great podcast interview discussing it.
I also recommend The Lord Is My Courage. Such a great book talking about spiritual abuse and describing what a pastor should look like- a shepherd- from looking at Jesus in Psalm 23.
Is Abuse A Biblical Concept?
So now let us take a look at whether or not this is a Biblical concept. Is verbal abuse found in the Bible? Emotional abuse?
Let us once again hear from Don Owsley: Another term for abuse in the Bible is loidoreo/λοιδορέω (Koine Greek). It means to reproach, heap reproach on, vilify.
* Jesus’ enemies abused-vilified him (John 9:28; 1 Peter 2:23).
* Those who crucified Jesus abused-vilified him (Mark 15:32) by insulting, reviling, and unjustly criticizing him while he was afflicted by injustice and brutal punishment.
* Paul was abused-vilified by the Jewish high priest (Acts 23:4)
* Paul warns that abusers are evildoers (1 Cor. 6:10)
Psalm 69:20 says, "Reproach has broken my heart and I am so sick. And I looked for sympathy, but there was none,
And for comforters, but I found none.”
Proverbs 12:18- “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
Proverbs 18:14- “The spirit of a man can endure his sickness,
But as for a broken spirit who can bear it?”
Proverbs 11:9a- “With his mouth the godless man destroys his neighbor,”
James 1:19-20, 26- “This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless.”
Proverbs 15:1- “A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Proverbs 15:4- “A gentle tongue is a tree of life,
but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.”
Colossians 3:8- “But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth.”
Ephesians 4:31 - 5:2- “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.”
Colossians 4:6- “Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.”
James 3:5-10- “So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.
How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.”
Proverbs 26:24-28
A hateful person disguises himself with his speech
and harbors deceit within.
When he speaks graciously, don’t believe him,
for there are seven detestable things in his heart.
Though his hatred is concealed by deception,
his evil will be revealed in the assembly.
The one who digs a pit will fall into it,
and whoever rolls a stone —
it will come back on him.
A lying tongue hates those it crushes,
and a flattering mouth causes ruin.
1 Peter 2:1- “So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander.”
1 Corinthians 6:9-11- “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”
Revile means to criticize in an abusive or angrily insulting manner.
The Bible is clear that our speech is important and matters to God. He is also clear that we are to take care of the weak and vulnerable, to weep with those who weep, and to be kind and just.
Micah 6:8
He has told you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justice, to love kindness,
And to walk humbly with your God?
From the book Abuse in the Bible
The Bible says: God condemns those who oppress the weak and vulnerable, especially women and children (Prov 14:31; Isa 1:15–17; Jer 22:3, 17; Ezek 22:7, 27–29; Mic 6:12; Matt 23:14; Mark 12:40; etc.).
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The Bible says: God will “cut off’ those who are violent and abusive (Jud 19:5; Ps 11:5, 140:11; Prov 6:17; Jer 7:6; 22:3; Ezek 7:11; 8:17; Amos 3:10; Mic 6:8–12; and probably Mal 2:17; etc.).
Kindle Yellow highlight | Location: 1,872
The Bible says: the leaders of God’s people should protect and support the vulnerable and the weak (Ps 10:1–18; Prov 24:11–12; Isa 1:17; 3:14–25; Jer 22:3, 13–19; Zech 7:10; Jas 5:2–6; etc.).”
The Heidelberg Catechism:
HC Q105: What does God require in the sixth Commandment?
A: That I do not revile, hate, insult or kill my neighbor either in thought, word, or gesture, much less in deed, whether by myself or by another, but lay aside all desire of revenge; moreover, that I do not harm myself, nor willfully run into any danger. Wherefore also to restrain murder the magistrate is armed with the sword.
HC Q106: Does this Commandment speak only of killing?
A: No, but in forbidding murder, God teaches us that He abhors its very root, namely: envy, hatred, anger, and desire of revenge; and that in His sight all these are hidden murder.
HC Q107: But is this all that is required , that we do not kill our neighbor?
A: No, for in condemning envy, hatred, and anger, God requires us to love our neighbor as ourselves, to show patience, peace, meekness, mercy, and kindness toward him, and to prevent his hurt as much as possible; also to do good even unto our enemies
This post has gotten longer than I anticipated, and I think I have said more than enough. I believe that speaking out against all forms of abuse is Biblical. I am advocating against harm to others and for Christlikeness. I am of the firm belief that we, humans, made in the Imago Dei, are to be treated as such, and therefore should treat others as image bearers as well. And we should speak out for those who have no voice, who have no one listening to their cries for help, and that we should be informed of what abuse is and what it looks like. I will give a list of people I highly recommend following if one desires to be informed.
I just finished watching the Barbie movie for the second time. This is not a review as there have been many others who have done fantastic jobs of it and I don’t feel the need to add my voice into the discussion. However, there were many scenes and themes that I related to very deeply in the movie. I genuinely loved the movie and while it is meant to be satirical, it is very poignant and deep with many scenes that hit you between the eyes with truths that are just beginning to be said aloud, such as the famous “ Gloria’s speech ” scene. But one scene that I deeply relate to is near the end when Barbie and Ken are in Barbie’s dream house discussing Ken’s identity apart from Barbie. Ken says to Barbie, “I just don’t know who I am without you.” Barbie responds “You’re Ken!” “But it’s Barbie and Ken” , he replies. “There is no just Ken. That’s why I was created. I only exist within the warmth of your gaze. Without it, I’m just a little blonde guy who can’t do flips.” Barbie repl
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