A Different Kind Of Grief
Grief is a strange thing.
I used to think of grief as only impacting those who had lost someone to death, or maybe even “loss” in the form of a broken relationship.
I haven’t lost someone very close to me to death, so why am I feeling such grief?
The last few days I have been grieving. I didn’t understand what was happening at first. I felt down. Depressed. Anxious. Lonely. Hopeless. Despairing. Anguish. Panic. I feel sleepy. Melancholy. (none of these things were very strong or crippling…just present) My muscles ached. My eyes were blurry. My chest hurt. My jaw was clenched tight. My head hurt and I had horrible brain fog.
All because I saw some pictures.
My phone does a “for you” album that shows pictures I have stored on it. I don’t alway pay attention to it because of where it is on the phone, but have the last few days.
Seeing pictures from the past brought up all the emotions I was feeling at that time. It’s a symptom of PTSD. People make fun of the word “triggered” and I admit it is overused, but it truly fits this… where you are just doing life and something triggers a memory, or more often a feeling, that you don’t want to experience again. Being triggered is frustrating because we don’t want it, we don’t ask for it, we desperately desire for it to stop and go away, but we can’t control it.
The body truly keeps the score. My body remembers what my brain went through. It’s remarkable. I didn’t suffer physical injury or the loss of a loved one. But I did suffer and that has brought me to grieve the pain I endured.
I am no longer in the same place in my life, and my marriage is better than ever. So why did seeing pictures of me holding my second born on an outing with friends cause such a severe mental and physical reaction? Because while I don’t think about it as much, my brain and body still remember the pain of the abuse I was enduring when those pictures were taken. The loneliness, the feeling of drowning and being crushed under a weight I didn’t think I could bear, I often thought I would die, and wished I would- that and so many other feelings came flooding back when I saw that image. They were not as potent as they had been, but they still came. I have moved on, my life is truly so good, but my mind and body have not yet completely forgotten.
Trauma is funny that way.
I don’t know if I will ever be able to look at pictures from certain times in my life and not feel that pain and grief. But that is ok. I know I am not there anymore. And I know Jesus met me there and is with me now. He used that pain and is using it in my life and I pray also using it in the lives of others.
This song was so perfect, powerful, and comforting.
Really you should just check out her entire channel because I had a hard time choosing a song…
So this is for all of you who know what I’m talking about, whose body has kept the score and you understand. For those who get a phone call and then feel sick; who drive by a church or hospital and have a panic attack; who can’t look at pictures from certain times of your life or of certain people because of the panic it brings; who see a picture and burst into tears; who smell, taste, hear, touch, or see something that triggers memories you thought were long gone. This is for those who start to feel physically not ok but don’t know why until you remember it is the anniversary of something or someone, or you remember you saw something or someone that triggered your brain to remember something you desperately desire to forget. And also for those who miss people who are still alive. I am feeling that strongly as well…losing people to broken relationships is still a loss and it causes grief and trauma that can be triggered.
God is still good, but it’s ok to say that it sucks. You aren’t a “snowflake” or a “sensitive baby” because you are going through this. Jesus is near to the broken-hearted and he is well aquatinted with grief.
My heart goes out to you all, and my love, support, and prayers are always ready for those who need someone. My inbox is always open.
Isaiah 53:3-4 (KJV)
He is despised and rejected of men;
a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief:
and we hid as it were our faces from him;
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he hath borne our griefs,
and carried our sorrows:
yet we did esteem him stricken,
smitten of God, and afflicted.
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