Self Fulfilling Prophesy?
“You run/hit/cry like a girl.”
“Sit like a lady, only boys sit like that.”
“That is so gay.”
“Boys/girls don’t ______.”
“Be a man.”
“You guys seem close. Are you gay?”
“Sissy.”
“He is feminine/she is masculine.”
“You need to work hard at being more masculine/feminine so as to not give the illusion you are gay.”
Have you heard any of these quips? I have. And many many more. We are so focused on being masculine and feminine and not giving any illusion that we could be *gasp* gay, that we forget that God created us masculine or feminine by way of us being male or female. This idea that we need to strive hard to be what we were already created to be and that if we don’t do it right, we could be something else is the very argument that the transgender community makes. The belief that we can “put on” or “take off” masculinity and femininity. If a boy has a soft voice, likes to play the piano or sew, and cares how he looks people call him feminine. If a girl has broad shoulders, likes contact sports and jeans and a T-shirt she is called a Tom-boy. In other words, a boy can be feminine and a girl can be masculine. So we have to work hard to be more like our gender “demands” we be- stereotypical.
“Isn’t this the same kind of thinking perpetuated by the transgender movement? Isn’t the whole idea that men could be something other than men, or a woman needing a “uniquely feminine demeanor,” the same mindset of the latest stage of the sexual revolution? Is there a biological part of me that has a uterus and makes me a woman that’s different than my soul and psyche, which needs to make sure it acts like a woman? And what is it that I need to do as a woman to be more womanly? Why is being female not good enough, so that I need to figure out what it is to be a feminine female? And what is a uniquely feminine demeanor?”
“There aren’t half men, clueless as to how to earn their man card. There aren’t biologically identifiable women with masculine souls. We don’t need to force our sexual distinctions under an artificial ontological framework of authority and submission or other cultural stereotypes. I don’t have to act like a woman to be actualized—I am a woman in all my actions. We don’t need “masculine males” and “feminine females.” We need to recognize our sexuality as gift. [This language] leads to the conclusions we hear in the transgender community, such as “I am a woman trapped in a man’s body.” God has already created us as men and women, and he has also created us as unique persons.”
— The Sexual Reformation: Restoring the Dignity and Personhood of Man and Woman by Aimee Byrd
I 100% agree with Aimee here. In fact, I am willing to say that all this language and demeanor and teaching is possibly leading our children to the LGBTQ+ community all the more and at a rapid pace. When our kids are constantly told that they aren’t fitting some arbitrary gender role and they need to work harder at fitting into that box that someone else has set for them, then is it any wonder that they flee and find acceptance elsewhere where they aren’t having to worry about whether they are being masculine/feminine enough?
We sexualize everything.
What if we are sending our kids into the arms of sexual relationships, heterosexual and homosexual, because we have made everything sexual when it isn’t?
I remember growing up, we were not allowed to touch the opposite gender for any reason. That included high fives or hugs of excitement when winning competitions. All physical contact was considered sexual. Women prided themselves on making it to their wedding night having only ever been touched by their man when the ring was put on her finger during the proposal. Having shoulders touch during engagement photos was a big no-no and heaven forbid if his arm was around her. Being alone anywhere for any length of time was considered opportunity for something sexual to happen and they weren’t worried about assault… it was implied that boys were ready to have sex at any given moment and that girls could make them basically ejaculate simply by brushing up against them on accident or bending over instead of properly kneeling. Forgive my crude bluntness but anyone who grew up in “purity culture” knows this to be true. We were told by implication that boys wanted sex and girls were either trying to save them from themselves or were trying to entice them. I have written before about how this affected me as a person with same sex attraction.
Being close friends with the same gender was ok for girls to some extent, but boys weren’t really supposed to have that because it was considered “gay” or weird. And opposite gender friends was highly discouraged if not forbidden because it was impossible to be “just friends”. So many things were considered “intimate” that having close friendships was difficult without being teased about it being more-from either gender. So what happens when someone finds a great friend—someone with whom they get along and really understand each other? Is there not the possibility that what is truly platonic is then seen as sexual desires because of the constant implication that there should/could be? When we don’t talk about the David and Jonathan type friendships, then when our kids start having them, isn’t it possible that they mistake that for sexual orientation? The constant planting of the idea that doing normal friend things is a prerequisite for sexual feelings and actions? And then we wonder why so many evangelical kids are having premarital sex and are turning to the LGBTQ+ community.
Could it be that from a young age we are the ones planting those things in their minds? For Pete’s sake I hear so much about how “Hellywood” is coming for our kids and we had better shelter them from ever seeing homosexuals on the screen, and yet I personally don’t believe the danger is “out there” so much as it is inside.
How we talk to our kids about sexuality matters. Lack of talking about consent leads to rape that the victim doesn’t even understand as being rape. Not talking about our bodies and how they work leads to people having health problems and not even knowing; sexual assault that a kid can’t verbalize because they don’t have the language to do so; kids who turn to sex and homosexuality and become trans because of what they had been fed their whole lives— having sex ruins us, without mention of assault and how it is never the victim’s fault nor does it lessen their worth in any way; telling kids to act more masculine/feminine as if they could be anything other than the gender God made them; and sexualizing everything and everyone and teasing kids about being gay; not talking to our kids about feelings and desires and allowing them to have a safe space to process what/how they feel without fear of shame or consequences.
What if our “purity culture” was just a self fulfilling prophecy rather than an antidote? We stopped teaching the next generation to see each other as brothers and sisters in Christ or as Imago Dei, but rather to see each other as sexual objects to be used or avoided.
Is our goal Christlikeness or fitting a particular stereotype? Looking like Christ or being obsessed with not looking like “the world”? Because the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, gentleness, goodness, self control, patience, kindness, faithfulness… and they aren’t laid out in a way that says “…and men and women will display them differently according to their gender roles”.
If we live in fear of the LGBTQ+ community, we are very much at risk for setting strict boundaries to attempt to stay as far away from it as possible and avoid any association or inclinations toward being like them in any way. And that is dangerous. What then happens to our boys who like to snuggle dolls, care how they dress, like to dance, cook, create art, etc, but are told that those things are too feminine and they need to steer clear of them for appearances sake? And what happens to the girls who don’t care how they dress/look, enjoy contact sports, and couldn’t care less about dolls but like dinosaurs and dirt, or who are interested in cars and grease but are told they need to be more feminine and those things are too masculine? If we say “here is the box you must fit in to be accepted”, then doesn’t it stand to reason that they would assume that anything outside that box is then proof that they aren’t accepted? And then they turn to the place they have been constantly told they would find acceptance…? And if we are clear even by implication that those in the LGBTQ community are either not deserving of our love or need a special kind of salvation than others and that God is mostly concerned with getting them to be straight and masculine/feminine, how do we think that impacts those in our churches and families who are struggling to fit that mold?
Once again, let us look at Aimee Byrd’s book, The Sexual Reformation: “This language of “feminine females” and “masculine males” can become very confusing and unhelpful. It moves us to focus on basing our sexuality on prescriptive cultural mores. And it doesn’t recognize our given sexuality for its own value. This hurts the dignity and personhood of both men and women. I want to acknowledge the real struggle men have to measure up to this extrabiblical category of the masculine man. It can start when they are young. Little boys are teased for being too sensitive. Not assertive enough. Too soft. Their parents may grow overly concerned because they don’t like the so-called manly stuff like sports and hunting. They might not be interested in the young men’s youth group activities like whitewater rafting and ax throwing. Some of these boys grow up thinking maybe they aren’t masculine enough. Their masculinity isn’t seen as a gift to others. They struggle with gender security. Some, as a result, struggle with gender identity. To reduce manhood to these specific cultural qualities that need to be “put on,” is to assault the dignity and personhood of each male who reflects the image of God in his body, personality, interests, and relationships with other persons. Jesus Christ, a man, wouldn’t fare well here. He depended on women to support his ministry (Luke 8: 1–3). He cried (John 11: 35). He compared himself to a hen gathering her chicks under her wings in the way he wanted to gather Jerusalem’s children together (Matt. 23: 37).”
“Dr. Joaquín Navarro-Valls, in his second briefing on the Holy See’s position regarding the Fourth World Conference on Women, put it well: “Women and men are the illustration of a biological, individual, personal, and spiritual complementarity. Femininity is the unique and specific characteristic of woman, as masculinity is of man.”16 Men don’t need to act a certain way to affirm their masculinity. Their actions are masculine because they are men. Let’s not get that backward or we really offend personhood. It perverts the real, organic connection between our ontology as man or woman and how the gift of our sexuality is represented in life. This isn’t based on cultural mores but on how our given distinctions represent unitive love. It enhances the dignity of man to affirm the value of the unique person God has created him to be, over and against a faux, mask-wearing masculinity of the culture. Let’s take off the masks: Stoicism is not true self-control. Aggression is not the same as courage. Dominance is not leadership. Violence is not the same as righteous anger. These masks are weak and impotent. And the positive qualities encouraged here are not only masculine qualities. Furthermore, compassionate men are not effeminate. Men who commit their way to the Lord are not effeminate. Humble men are not effeminate. Men who exercise meekness are not effeminate. They are strong. They are a gift, helping to glorify the name of our Savior and to promote the goodness of their neighbor—dynamic and fructifying acts. Both men and women are to look to Jesus for Christian virtue. We are not directed to masculine manhood or feminine womanhood. We are not even directed to biblical manhood or biblical womanhood. We are men and women who are together directed to Christ, who called both men and women blessed who were poor in Spirit, mourners, gentle, thirsting for righteousness, merciful, pure in heart, peacemakers, and persecuted for his sake (Matt. 5:1–10).”
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