Porn and Purity Culture: Two Sides of the Same Coin
Porn & Purity Culture: Two Sides Of The Same Coin
Women and girls often hear “boys/men only want one thing” and the claim that men can’t help but lust if they see any female body part or their shape. We regularly hear women are not to say no to sex and withholding is a sin, but then many wonder why so many Christians are getting divorced and we have so many sexual abuse scandals in the church…. I appreciated this post from a friend on why marriages seem like they aren't lasting as long as they used to. It may be true, but I also believe that having a long marriage isn't necessarily equal to having a healthy marriage.
I believe that is partly because we have created the perfect atmosphere for men to treat women, including their wives, as objects to fulfill their sexual desires. I believe that we have let a pornified view of women infiltrate the church under the guise of "purity culture," and honestly, just in general. I have written about purity culture, the idol of purity, and modesty.
Both present an impossible standard for women to uphold in order to be deemed attractive or to stay attractive. Bill Gothard talks about how women need to be sure to remain attractive for their husbands (here under point 3). No such command is given for men... Here is another list for women on how to help preserve her marriage- controlling her weight and keeping up her appearance is on the list. It is quite popular right now to talk about women staying in shape and attractive for her husband and to not "let herself go", because if she doesn't stay attractive for him, he will be all the more attracted to the women in the world who do keep up their appearance. I have heard so many derogatory statements said regularly to the effect of "If the barn needs painting, bless God, paint it!" "get them skinny/small because they always get bigger after the wedding," "She had her baby and never fully recovered [her body/figure]." Books, articles, and influencers discuss making sure women stay attractive for their husbands. This means being fit, showered daily, dressed nice, hair and makeup done, and having a smile on her face (all good things, but not necessarily things that need to be taught as rules and regulations for being a good wife). Doug Wilson even went so far as to say...
Purity culture says that women’s bodies are for male consumption which is why women need to keep them covered and prevent men from stumbling into lust.
Porn says women's bodies are for male consumption and that it is good for them to be used as such.
James 1:13-15 (NASB)
Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.
Purity culture and porn both deny the Imago Dei
Purity culture implies that merely seeing a woman who isn’t “appropriately covered” (whatever that means) is enough to make her become an object to be used for sexual pleasure in a man’s mind. It provides the perfect atmosphere for men to become accustomed to saying “this woman is making me lust, I can’t help it, she dressed that way which just mean she wants me to lust”. While they also try to say that men shouldn't lust, they typically only use the reason that it is because lust is bad, not because she is made in the image of God and shouldn’t be seen as an object of desire.
Purity culture is rape culture. It says that when we don’t respect women who “don’t respect themselves” because they aren’t covered appropriately, it is their fault, at least in part. They tend to see "seduction" and "immodesty" on every corner thus creating the perfect storm of ample temptations and an excuse of "well, she is asking for it". It says that consuming women’s bodies with our minds is something that cannot be helped because sex is a need. This also applies in marriage...
While this article isn't written from a Christian perspective, I definitely appreciated it- The Female Price of Male Pleasure
Rape culture in Christianity/purity culture is furthered by also rarely, if ever, really discussing consent, often saying that marriage is a fix for lust, and that wives are there for men’s pleasure whenever they want to keep them from straying and that if the men stray it is partly the wife’s fault. It is often also taught that women are obligated to give the man sexual favors during times when she is sexually unavailable, such as in menopause, after childbirth, and during her period.
In dating, it is often said that it is the female's job to keep things from going too far, because the guy just can't stop himself.
This article discusses a marriage book by Nancy Wilson, Doug Wilson's wife, where she "completely disregards as possible the concept of marital rape. A husband can never be intruding on his wife’s body, because his wife’s body is his."
Porn says: here is a woman’s body at your fingertips.
Purity Culture says: here is a woman’s body that is a sexual object and could make you lust at any given moment. In the context of marriage it also says here is your wife’s body to be used whenever you “need” and it is her job to be there for you.
Sharing From Sheila Wray Gregorie:
I'm constantly astounded at how LITTLE we think it's reasonable to ask of men when it comes to sex, and how MUCH we think it's reasonable to ask of women.
* We think it's unreasonable to ask men to wait for sex after a baby comes so that his wife can heal;
* But we think it's reasonable to ask a woman who has just gone through labor after carrying a baby for nine months; who is not sleeping; who has lost a large volume of blood; who likely has some post-birth physical trauma; who is adjusting to breastfeeding--we think it's reasonable to ask her to give her husband oral sex or a hand job every few days, and we think she should act enthusiastic about it for his sake, too.
* We think it's unreasonable to ask a man to wait for sex to be comfortable for a woman,
* But we think it's reasonable to ask a woman suffering from sexual pain to push through for his sake, because we believe it's valid that the price of his pleasure is her pain.
* We think it's unreasonable to ask a man to connect emotionally with his wife before sex,
* But we think it's reasonable to ask a woman to have sex at least every 3 days, even if she feels used, even if she feels distant, even if she feels just like a sex toy with no thought to her as a person.
* We think it's unreasonable to ask a man to make sure his wife orgasms,
* But we think it's reasonable to ask a woman to keep having intercourse and giving sexual favors every few days, even if she never reaches orgasm herself.
* We think it's unreasonable to ask a man to go more than a few days without orgasm,
* But we think it's reasonable to ask women to go for decades without orgasm, as long as she's fulfilling her duty to her husband.
And what if her husband has actually sinned against her or betrayed her?
* We think it's unreasonable to ask a man who has confessed to an affair or a porn addiction to go without sex until the marriage heals and his wife feels safe,
* But we think it's reasonable to ask a woman who feels betrayed, abandoned, and unsafe to give up her body to the man who hurt her, so that he can have sexual release.
* We think it's unreasonable to ask a man who has been raping his wife to take sex off the table while he rebuilds trust,
* But we think it's reasonable to ask a traumatized woman to allow her body to be used, retraumatizing her in the process, because we believe his ejaculation matters more than her safety.
We will never, ever have healthy relationships and healthy marriages in the church until we get this right.
Sex is something that is mutual, intimate, and pleasurable for both. If those conditions are not met, genitals may be involved, but it is not sex the way God intended.
If we in the evangelical church think it's reasonable to expect women to sacrifice their physical and emotional safety, and endure emotional and physical pain, just so that a man has an orgasm--then we do not understand intimacy. We do not understand sex.
And what's more, we don't understand God. By their fruits you will recognize them.
For more on the problems with how we see sex as an entitlement for men and an obligation for women, please see chapters 9 & 10 of The Great Sex Rescue!
Read more in The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregorie
Women's Needs Matter During Sex Not Pendulum Swinging Too Far
Porn and purity culture separate sex from the whole person.
Andrew Bauman says in his article, Pornocracy- How Pornography Has Shaped Church Democracy,
“When pornography becomes our primary teacher or guide in our sexual development, we learn certain ways of being, what I call a “Pornographic Style of Relating.” We relate to women the way we relate to the porn, which taught us how to be sexual. Many men develop a love/hate relationship with women as a result of the warping of their minds through pornography consumption.”
They both make women feel “not enough”.
Both are a form of prosperity gospel. Porn says “do this/have this and be happy and fulfilled” and purity culture says the same.
We need Christ.
WLC Q137: Which is the seventh commandment?
A: The seventh commandment is, Thou shalt not commit adultery.
WLC Q138: What are the duties required in the seventh commandment?
A: The duties required in the seventh commandment are, chastity in body, mind, affections, words, and behavior; and the preservation of it in ourselves and others; watchfulness over the eyes and all the senses; temperance, keeping of chaste company, modesty in apparel; marriage by those that have not the gift of continency, conjugal love, and cohabitation; diligent labor in our callings; shunning all occasions of uncleanness, and resisting temptations thereunto.
WLC Q139: What are the sins forbidden in the seventh commandment?
A: The sins forbidden in the seventh commandment, besides the neglect of the duties required, are, adultery, fornication, rape, incest, sodomy, and all unnatural lusts; all unclean imaginations, thoughts, purposes, and affections; all corrupt or filthy communications, or listening thereunto; wanton looks, impudent or light behaviour, immodest apparel; prohibiting of lawful, and dispensing with unlawful marriages; allowing, tolerating, keeping of stews, and resorting to them; entangling vows of single life, undue delay of marriage, having more wives or husbands than one at the same time; unjust divorce, or desertion; idleness, gluttony, drunkenness, unchaste company; lascivious songs, books, pictures, dancings, stage plays; and all other provocations to, or acts of uncleanness, either in ourselves or others.
John Fonville says in his book, Hope & Holiness (which I highly recommend),
“Through the gospel and faith, the Holy Spirit not only unites our souls to Christ, but also our physical bodies. As the Heidelberg Catechism begins, “… I am not my own, but belong body and soul, in life and in death, to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ.”
Both porn and purity culture say “her body is for my pleasure.” Purity culture attempts to deny it by saying "don't look!!!!!" but it effectively conveys that they need not look because women's bodies are for consumption, we just shouldn't consume... It is a strange mixed message. It also ends up telling girls their body is a temptation to men and is inherently somehow evil because of it.
Paul says our body is for the Lord. (1 Cor. 6:19)
Self control is a fruit of the spirit and it doesn't exclude those who are married...
Self-control in marriage isn't the idea that you don't lust after others or look at porn but you keep that all pent up inside until you get to your wife, and then her body becomes your toy, and she doesn't have the self agency to say "no". Many women are afraid to say no out of fear of him being so pent up from what he has seen that if she doesn't oblige his 'need for release' he will turn to all the things that got him agitated and turned on to begin with. So self control isn't "I didn't look at porn today even though I wanted to, so come here and take care of me before I explode...do your job". J.V. Fesko says in his book, The Fruit of the Spirit is...
"Self-control is not the idea of bottling up our anger until no one is watching and then letting it all out. Self-control is not biting our tongues whilst at the same time harboring ill thoughts towards those around us. Self-control is not refraining from hitting someone and then pounding a punching bag or taking our aggression out at the gym by lifting weights. Rather, self-control is the ability to deny ourselves the indulgence of our sinful desires even when no one can see us, even when no one can know our thoughts. Self-control is ultimately the ability to be controlled, not by the sinful self, but by the Holy Spirit."
Porn says “who is this harming, it's not really sex” which is unhealthy because it separates the act of sex and orgasm from intimacy in the act of sex.
Purity culture condemns even sexual temptation (not only the giving into the temptation- noticing≠lusting) as sin which is unhealthy because God made sex and gave us sex drives. Rather than trying to imply that there is a switch that can be turned off and then turned on when needed, we need to understand that the desires are God given, but so is the self control needed to curb the temptation.
What Purity Culture Didn't Teach Me
Many evangelical marriage authors say in implication, “Porn is bad, but be porn for him…”
“But Have You Tried Sleeping Naked?” | by Shannon Ashley | Honestly Yours | Medium
Shaunti Feldhahn says here and here to "fill up your husband's mental instagram." In her book, For Women Only, Feldhahn devotes the entirety of her chapter 8 to the topic of women’s looks and why they matter to their men. The entire book is bondage to women and makes men look like helpless, sex crazed pigs who need constant validation from their women in the form of sex and attention in order to not be depressed and not feel disrespected. In her first chapter, Feldhahn gives a list of “ground rules” for reading her book, #5 being a warning that what the women read may be distressing because it affects our view of men… I would agree- it makes me angry and dislike men, and makes me incredibly uncomfortable around them, which is a shame.
Dennis and Barbara Rainey give a list of ”Your Husband’s Top 4 Romantic Needs” where they list sex twice. They recount the story under Need #2 of a young seminary student’s wife who tells them, “I turned to him and I said, ‘Sweetheart, what would really encourage you to be a man of God?’ There was a moment of silence, and finally he said, ‘Well, it would really encourage me if I came home from class one afternoon and found you at home with no clothes on, welcoming me home.’”
The wife giggled again and asked, “Do you think he really meant it?”
I said, “I don’t know. Maybe you ought to try it!”
Now, isn’t it interesting that this man who has immersed himself in the study of the Scriptures answered his wife this way? You would think he might want a set of theology books or some time with a great man of God. No, he wants time with his wife, alone, just to be affirmed sexually.
This is a powerful picture. Your husband’s sexuality is so much a part of who he is that it affects virtually every part of his life. The wise woman understands that her man longs to be needed sexually by her. If you really want to get to the bottom line for men, and you really want to express love to your husband in a powerful way, just express to your husband that you need him sexually.”
Love & Respect is another extremely popular book that talks about some of these same things. Sheila Wray Gregorie has done some great articles reviewing that book.
A Review of Love and Respect: How the Book Gets Sex Horribly Wrong - Bare Marriage
And don't even get me started on Gary Thomas and “Married Sex”.
Porn says the more sexually deviant you are the more desirable you are- purity culture effectively says the same thing. It says “modest is hottest” while truthfully saying the opposite (I mean, even that phrase contradicts itself). Because women who are pure, modest, and chaste-all good things!- are marriage material but the sexually available and most attractive women are not, it creates a false dichotomy where the girl at home is for marriage but the women you can’t have are for lust and sexual arousal. The immodest woman is the sexually attractive one. The modest woman is the wife… and functionally they cannot be combined. And therefore it creates an impossible standard for the woman to meet: be the sexually attractive one who doesn’t attract anyone else but your husband, and also be a good modest wife…who is sexually attractive enough to keep your husband's eyes from wandering...
Created To Be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl says women are to keep their men by “draining him” regularly, and if our husband is attracted to a woman at work, we are to “beat the slut at her own game” and be more seductive than her.
Check out some great articles from The Bare Marriage here
Redefining Sex: Seeing Sex As An Expression Of Your Relationship, Not As An Individual Need
If you or your spouse has struggled or is struggling with porn, check out this Blog - Fight the New Drug
If you are a wife who has been hurt by partner betrayal trauma, I wrote this for you.
I also recommend Andrew Bauman, and Michael John Cusick. I love this article from Andrew: Victory From Porn: It’s Not What You Think
If you have been harmed by purity culture, or you simply desire to know more, I recommend Rachel Joy Welcher's book, Talking Back To Purity Culture.
Also, listen to this… Decriminalizing Sex: Where Prostitution Meets Purity Culture
I am sharing these quotes, mostly from Sheila Wray Gregorie's Bare Marriage FB page, to give examples of what is taught and by whom, and that this isn't fringe or uncommon. As I have said over and over again, I highly recommend her book, The Great Sex Rescue, as it shows many more examples.
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