Musings From a Former Betrayed Spouse

🚨🚨Trigger and explicit Warning: this post talks about sex, porn, and betrayal trauma🚨🚨

That sick feeling in your stomach when you find out, or find out again. The simultaneous anguish and numbness you feel. The disassociation and feeling of “Dear God, will it ever end? Will he ever have eyes for me and me alone?” The way you recoil when he touches you. The resentment; mental anguish; self loathing; and despair.

“Are you taking care of him like you should?”

“Are you letting yourself go…? Be sure to keep up your physical appearance to keep his eyes on you.”

“You have no idea how hard it is for men.”

“They are visual creatures! And they are bombarded with sex at every turn.”

“He needs you to be there for him, because you are the only fulfillment he is allowed to have, and if you aren’t there for him, then we can’t really expect that he won’t find it elsewhere.”

“You love him when you give him sex, even if you don’t want to.”

“It is your job as the wife to meet his needs.”

“If you send him nude pictures then he will be less likely to look at others.”

“Sex is a need for him! Sacrifice for him to show you love him and give him sexual favors any time he needs it- like during your period or post-partum, or if you are physically unable to have penetrative sex.”

“I mean, yeah, porn is bad, but are you taking care of him the way you should to keep him from it?”

“He can tell if you are not fully present or into it, so make sure you are making him feel like you are really enjoying yourself and enjoying him or he will find someone else that will”.

“He is just stressed and this is how men deal with it. Try to make his life as stress free as possible.”

“Do not deprive him his marital rights!”

“Be sure to be happy and cheerful, show your love for him by making him feel that you love his body and love pleasing him.”

“He just has needs that you don’t and that you simply could never understand”.

“Marriage is literally about having guilt free sex. You can do everything else with anyone else but sex is the only thing that requires a marriage license therefore marriage is about legal sex.”

(This was said to me by Mark Gungor [ this guy ] in a fb exchange)

These are all things I have heard, read, been taught, or heard from others.

“Never mind that you have been betrayed, his needs are paramount! You don’t have sexual desires or needs, only he does.”

And so you try so hard to be a good wife. You give him sex when he wants and how he wants. You give him sexual favors during your period, post-partum, and when you just don’t feel like having sex. You may even be coerced into having sex while your baby cries in the next room because…well… “his needs, amiright?” He may even make comments about being jealous of the children and especially the baby because they get more attention than him, and when do his needs matter? So you push aside your thoughts and feelings and have sex anyway… but you don’t feel much. It isn’t enjoyable and you don’t climax…. But he does. Every. Single. Time. So you come to dread sex. Dread his very touch because you know it means he wants to use your body for his pleasure. And yet you long for a loving touch that shows he enjoys you because you’re *you. You desire to have sex as well, but desire to be…desired. To be cherished. To be known. To be vulnerable and have that valued. To have your pleasure matter. To have sex and not feel empty. He gets done and rolls over and thanks you, or asks if it was good, or says nothing and leaves, or rolls over and goes to sleep. You feel used and dirty. You may even cry yourself to sleep.

You feel compared; always competing with…well…everyone. You begin to not want to be around any other women because maybe he’ll find them attractive and lust. Perhaps you work out or diet obsessively. You spent time and money to make sure you’re always your best. In our age of photoshop and filters you are discouraged by your imperfections. You disassociate during sex because all you can think of is your flaws. You spend the whole time wondering if he is envisioning you as someone else. And so you go numb to protect yourself from the pain of it all. Because we aren’t allowed to feel pain… after all, our body is not our own but our husband’s, right? Only he is allowed to feel… because he is a man. A man with “needs”.

If you don’t accept his advances he pouts, or presses and pushes and makes you feel guilty. He may even tell you that he can get it anywhere but he wants you, manipulating you into fulfilling his lusts. No one has told you that your husband could actually lust after you and it not be a good thing. He may even pressure you into doing things you are uncomfortable with but you feel you can’t say no or else he’ll turn to “them”. So you say yes but hate every minute. His mouth on yours makes you sick and you feel like you’re being pawed at rather than touched. You feel objectified, devoid of being anything more than a toy or a “place to put it”. So you detach your mind from your body because, well, it only matters if your body is there for him.

Then he complains that you feel distant. He may even begin asking for sex more because he doesn’t feel like he is getting it enough. He may make comments like “you never…”, “you always say no”, “it’s been so long since we…” even though you just satisfied him last night. You feel claustrophobic and trapped, asking “what more do you want from me?!?” He may even make comments about how everything else matters more than him… how everything and everyone else comes first and he feels like he just gets the leftovers. What he doesn’t understand is that you have built walls to protect yourself from the pain of betrayal. Your marriage vows mean nothing to him. He can find satisfaction in anyone else but you so why does he use you? Why does he keep coming to you? Why doesn’t he stop going to them when you have done all you can to be there for him, to meet his “needs”. So why? And so you shut down and close yourself off to keep from feeling all the pain. And he can tell but has no idea why.

You try to reach out and tell someone and don’t get much help. He isn’t hitting you or physically cheating on you so… they are sorry but…. “Just love him. Don’t give him a reason to go to porn. Be available for him”. Your feelings don’t matter. You as a person aren’t important beyond what you do for your husband. At least that is what is implicitly (and sometimes explicitly) stated.

You may cry out to God, wishing for relief from this existence where you feel used and not loved. You have been told that “God hates divorce!” and that only physical adultery is a biblical reason to leave, and since he hasn’t don’t that, you are stuck. You long to be known, loved, and respected. You desperately desire to believe that when he says he loves you, desires you, thinks you’re beautiful, that he means YOU and not you plus so many others. You want to feel safe and secure in his arms. But you resign yourself to never feeling that.

And you keep having sex for him, feeling numb and disconnected.

I write this because I have felt it. All of it. And I know I’m not alone.

Betrayal trauma is real.

Sexual coercion, even in marriage, is real.

Dear sister, you are worth being loved, cherished, understood, respected, and desired because you’re *you.

Porn use breaks trust. It IS infidelity. Your pain is real and valid. You are allowed to have boundaries, needs, wants, desires, and have your wedding vows taken seriously.

The Bible says that lust of the heart IS adultery. It is ok to get help and expect faithfulness. And I hope, dear sister, that you come to know and understand that it isn’t your fault nor your responsibility to fix it.

Porn use is abuse. Porn and infidelity are abuse

And in my experience and the experience of those I have talked to, porn use is a precursor to other sexual sin and abuse. So not dealing with it can mean it may get worse.

Seek help. And don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t a big deal or make you feel like it’s your fault or responsibility to fix it.

My heart goes out to you. There can be healing.

Here are more resources on this topic:

How Pornography Can Worsen Cases of Domestic Abuse

A Pornographic Style of Relating

God Hates Divorce?

What God Hates More Than Divorce

A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce

What Did Jesus Really Say About Divorce?

We Must Help the Oppressed - Even In Marriage

The Sermon on the Mount and Divorce - Matthew 5:31-32

(Todd Bordow and pastoral intern Osbaldo Valdes)