When Marriage Becomes Idolatry

by Jennifer Moodie

2/7/2023

Proverbs 31:8-9
Speak up for those who have no voice, for the justice of all who are dispossessed. Speak up, judge righteously, and defend the cause of the oppressed and needy.

Ecclesiastes 4:1
Again, I observed all the acts of oppression being done under the sun. Look at the tears of those who are oppressed; they have no one to comfort them. Power is with those who oppress them; they have no one to comfort them.

This will be a little different. I know I always have many links in my posts, but this one will have them all at the end of the post in categories rather than scattered in the writing. I am going to spend less time trying to explain my point and am simply going to link to others who have already researched and said much more in a much better way than I could. So read to the bottom of the page to see the links.

My desire with this post is to have it be a good resource page. I have been reading and compiling resources on the topic of abuse in marriage and spiritual abuse. These are topics that are near and dear to my heart and are passions of mine. I will link to places that share my own story which will help to provide context as to why this matters so much to me. In short, I have been an abused wife. I have been the desperate woman crying out for help and been dismissed and ignored. And I desperately desire that others not feel or experience that. I pray to be a help to others-- to women who are being harmed and need someone to believe them; to educate others so that when someone discloses their abuse, you know how to respond; and also to educate others so that even if she doesn't see it, you can, and you can help her.

Because of my social media presence and the fact that I discuss these things, women message me regularly asking for prayer, resources, advice, or more commonly, simply someone to listen and understand. It is truly heartbreaking to hear these women's stories, but what is more heartbreaking is hearing how they have sought help, support, or simply for someone to believe them and they are dismissed. Many times a heavy burden is placed on them to simply overlook the abuse and to forgive and forget, or to be the one to fix the marriage. From what I can see and understand, a big part of this stems from two foundational issues: idolatry of marriage and ignorance. It is my goal to help us not be ignorant.

First off, I wanted to share the video of the PCA General Assembly 2022 panel on abuse because I think everyone should watch it. You can read the full report here.

(Unfortunately because this wasn't in YouTube, I couldn't just put the video here on the page, so you will have to click the link provided above.)

This quote is really important to understand.

We must be extremely cautious of not treating abuse in marriage as simply a marriage issue on steroids, to borrow a phrase from Shane Waldron (you will hear it if you listen to the linked PCA General Assembly 2022 report on abuse video above).

Something else we need to be really careful of is not making the institution of marriage more important than the people in it. God did institute marriage as a good thing! But marriage is made up of two sinners, and therefore God did provide a way out as a means of mercy when abuse--under which category I believe adultery without repentance falls--or abandonment is present. Safety should be a number one priority in a marriage, especially a Christian marriage. And abuse of any kind threatens that safety.

I have been told that to speak about this means I am "woke". I hear often how women are simply just too sensitive, trying to rule over the husbands, and don't like to be told to submit, therefore any time the husband exercises authority, she sees it as 'abuse'. I have been labeled a "liberal a** feminist" and have been degraded and mocked. While I am aware that not every accusation of abuse is legitimate, I am also fully aware that many legitimate claims are dismissed and ignored. We cannot allow our fear of the occasional false accusation cause us to disregard true and actual cases of abuse. That would be wrong and dangerous. So, I implore you once again, to read the report and educate yourself. Abuse is real, and it doesn't make the victims "snowflakes", nor does it mean they have some sort of a "victim mentality" that just makes them see "abuse" in everything. Abuse doesn't have to leave a bruise or break bones. Even the Bible talks about different forms of abuse including verbal abuse. And from my limited experience, it seems that too many Christian counselors are ignorant, ill informed, and ill equipped to deal with trauma and abuse. It is a real need to have people who can genuinely recognize the abuse and help the victim, and perhaps even the perpetrator depending on the situation.

Let us see a few Bible passages on abuse:

Galatians 5:16-25 (CSB)

I say, then, walk by the Spirit and you will certainly not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is against the Spirit, and the Spirit desires what is against the flesh; these are opposed to each other, so that you don’t do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

Now the works of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, moral impurity, promiscuity, idolatry, sorcery, hatreds, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambitions, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and anything similar. I am warning you about these things — as I warned you before — that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The law is not against such things. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.

Proverbs 3:31-32 (CSB)

Do not envy a man of violence

and do not choose any of his ways,

for the devious person is an abomination to the LORD,

but the upright are in his confidence.

Proverbs 6:16-19 (CSB)

The LORD hates six things;

in fact, seven are detestable (an abomination in the KJV) to him:

arrogant eyes, a lying tongue,

hands that shed innocent blood,

a heart that plots wicked schemes,

feet eager to run to evil,

a lying witness who gives false testimony,

and one who stirs up trouble among brothers.

Proverbs 12:22 (KJV)

Lying lips are abomination to the LORD:

but they that deal truly are his delight.

Proverbs 16:5 (KJV)

Every one that is proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD:

though hand join in hand, he shall not be unpunished.

Westminster Larger Catechism Q143: Which is the ninth commandment?

A: The ninth commandment is, Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

WLC Q144: What are the duties required in the ninth commandment?

A: The duties required in the ninth commandment are, the preserving and promoting of truth between man and man, and the good name of our neighbour, as well as our own; appearing and standing for the truth; and from the heart, sincerely, freely, clearly, and fully, speaking the truth, and only the truth, in matters of judgment and justice, and in all other things whatsoever; a charitable esteem of our neighbours; loving, desiring, and rejoicing in their good name; sorrowing for, and covering of their infirmities; freely acknowledging of their gifts and graces, defending their innocency; a ready receiving of a good report, and unwillingness to admit of an evil report, concerning them; discouraging tale-bearers, flatterers, and slanderers; love and care of our own good name, and defending it when need requireth; keeping of lawful promises; studying and practicing of whatsoever things are true, honest, lovely, and of good report.

WLC Q145: What are the sins forbidden in the ninth commandment?

A: The sins forbidden in the ninth commandment are, all prejudicing the truth, and the good name of our neighbours, as well as our own, especially in public judicature; giving false evidence, suborning false witnesses, wittingly appearing and pleading for an evil cause, outfacing and overbearing the truth; passing unjust sentence, calling evil good, and good evil; rewarding the wicked according to the work of the righteous, and the righteous according to the work of the wicked; forgery, concealing the truth, undue silence in a just cause, and holding our peace when iniquity calleth for either a reproof from ourselves, or complaint to others; speaking the truth unseasonably, or maliciously to a wrong end, or perverting it to a wrong meaning, or in doubtful and equivocal expressions, to the prejudice of truth or justice; speaking untruth, lying, slandering, backbiting, detracting, tale bearing, whispering, scoffing, reviling, rash, harsh, and partial censuring; misconstructing intentions, words, and actions; flattering, vain-glorious boasting; thinking or speaking too highly or too meanly of ourselves or others; denying the gifts and graces of God; aggravating smaller faults; hiding, excusing, or extenuating of sins, when called to a free confession; unnecessary discovering of infirmities; raising false rumors, receiving and countenancing evil reports, and stopping our ears against just defense; evil suspicion; envying or grieving at the deserved credit of any, endeavoring or desiring to impair it, rejoicing in their disgrace and infamy; scornful contempt, fond admiration; breach of lawful promises; neglecting such things as are of good report, and practicing, or not avoiding ourselves, or not hindering what we can in others, such things as procure an ill name.

I hope this can give some hope to someone...

"Hope is never mere, Elrond, even when it is meager. When all other senses sleep, the eye of hope is the first to waken and the last to shut."

--High king Gil-Galad in The Rings Of Power

So, with that, here are the resources, and I will add to it as I come across more:

My story:

A Story Of Grace & Restoration: Pain (Part 1)

A Story Of Grace & Restoration: Despair (Part 2)

A Story Of Grace & Restoration: Redemption (Part 3)

"Honestly"

Musings From A Former Betrayed Spouse (trigger warning)

My first podcast interview with GospelGal: Purity Culture And A Real-life Redemption Story

**Another podcast interview with Brad and myself coming soon

Abuse:

Abuse? Is It Biblical? In this blog post I discuss different types of abuse and I link to more resources that discuss them as well. And once again, I strongly suggest reading this report.

Victim? Or Victim Mentality? In this post I talk more about trauma...

Musings From A Former Betrayed Spouse This discusses more my experience as a wife of a chronic porn user and offers resources on this topic as well.

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick

When Loving Him Is Hurting You by Dr. David Hawkins

Is It Abuse? by Darby Strickland

Reactive Abuse: What It Is and Why Abusers Rely On It by Break The Silence Against Domestic Violence

Is It Me? by Natalie Hoffman

My Abusive "Christian" Marriage

Traumatic Brain Injury From Intimate Partner Violence by Psychology Today

31 Things Christians Need to Know About Domestic Violence - Hope for Hurting Wives

Home - Hope for Hurting Wives

Becoming A Church That Cares Well For The Abused by Brad Hambrick and Rachael Denhollander

3 Reasons Christians Fail To Care Well For Victims of Domestic Abuse by MaryEllen Bream

3 Ways The Church Can Care Well For Victims of Domestic Abuse by MaryEllen Bream

Domestic Abuse Is A Pattern by MaryEllen Bream

We Must Help The Oppressed- Even In Marriage by Todd Bordow

What To Do When The Good News To The Abused And Betrayed Doesn’t Feel Like Good News To You

domesticshelters.org

Abuse and Divorce with Todd Bordow— Reconstructing Your Faith with Sarabeth Kapusta

Abuse in the Church- The Glory Cloud Podcast

Books on Trauma and the Body:

The Body Keeps The Score

Try Softer

When The Body Says No

Divorce:

God Hates Divorce?

Musings From A Former Betrayed Spouse (this post has many resources in it)

A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce

What God Hates More Than Divorce

The Sermon On The Mount And Divorce by Kaisis

Life Saving Divorce by Gretchen Baskerville

A Discussion on Marriage, Abuse, and Divorce by Glory Cloud Podcast

Is Divorce Ever Permissible With Christians? Theology Gals with Dr. Todd Bordow

A RETHINKING OF THE TRADITIONAL DIVORCE EXCEPTION UNDERSTANDING

OF MATTHEW 5:31-32

AND ITS IMPLICATIONS FOR PASTORAL COUNSELING by Todd Bordow

What Did Jesus Really Say About Divorce? by Todd Bordow

Healing From Abuse:

Is It My Fault? Hope And Healing For Those Suffering Domestic Abuse by Justin & Lindsey Holcomb

Rid Of My ~~Dis~~Grace By Justin & Lindsey Holcomb

Suffering And The Heart Of God: How Trauma Destroys and Christ Restores by Diane Langberg

ReStoried- an online support group for abuse survivors

Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast *this would also fit under the Abuse category

Spiritual Abuse:

*I add this category and resources because all too often women in abusive marriages experience spiritual abuse as well, either from the husband, pastor, or most commonly, both

Bully Pulpit by Michael Kruger

Podcast interview with the author about this book: Michael Kruger | Bully Pulpit - Guilt Grace Gratitude Podcast

The Lord Is My Courage by K.J. Ramsey. I have small disagreements with some things in this book, but overall it was a balm to my soul.

The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen

A Church Called Tov by Scot McKnight

Redeeming Power by Diane Langberg

When Narcissism Comes To Church by Chuck DeGroat

Something's Not Right by Wade Mullen

Why Defining Gossip Matters in the Church’s Response to Abuse | Christianity Today

What Is Spiritual Bypassing?

PCA Releases 2022 Report Discussing The Misuse of Spiritual Authority

Abuse In The Church by Glory Cloud Podcast

Redeeming Power: Authority and Abuse In The Church with Diane Langberg Interview by Theology Gals

Healthy Marriages:

The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregorie

The Essence of Humankind by Sam Powell

Christian Marriage, Headship and Ephesians 5 by Todd Bordow

Husbands and Wives Part 1 by Todd Bordow

Husbands and Wives Part 2 by Todd Bordow

Husbands and Wives Part 3 by Todd Bordow

Husbands and Wives Part 4 by Todd Bordow

Men and Women by The Glory Cloud podcast

Men and Women continued by The Glory Cloud Podcast

Imagine A Marriage Of Liberty by Sam Powell

The Banner Of Love by Sam Powell

Jesus and Gender by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Eric Shumacher

Bare Marriage blog by Sheila Wray Gregorie. Also listen to her podcast.

Marg Mowczko

Dangers of Nouthetic Counseling and Complementarian Teaching:

*I do not label myself egalitarian, but do know that much complementarian teaching has done so much damage and provides a great environment for abuse. Not all complementarian teaching is equal, but I will say that about egalatarian teaching as well. I tend to lean egalitarian in marriage while still holding to male only elders in church.

This great Facebook post from Sola Sisters that has many resources linked on nouthetic counseling

The Kingdom of God and Soul Care by Kaisis

A Critique of Nouthetic Counseling by Glory Cloud Podcast

Nouthetic Counseling by Rebecca Davis

Biblical Manhood and Womanhood: Good Goal, or Distraction?

Just Give Me Jesus (Part 1)

Just Give Me Jesus (Part 2)

Good Counseling Resources:

CCEF

Gospel Care Collective

Diane Langberg

*I am still working on compiling this. There doesn't seem to be a lot that is trauma informed which is very unfortunate. Will update as I am able.

Making Christian Counseling More Christ Centered by Rick Marrs

Trauma Informed Resources To Follow:

*I am posting their websites, but I also follow them on Facebook and recommend you do as well.

Sarah McDougal --find her also on FB. She has some amazing resources and support groups for single mom's.

Intentional Today --find her also on FB

G.R.A.C.E--Godly Response to Abuse in the Church Environment

Adam Young Counseling-- Adam also has a great podcast entitled "The Place We Find Ourselves" that I highly recommend.

PlusONE Parents and their podcast, The Christian Single Moms Podcast

Forgiveness and reconciliation:

*It is important to understand that forgiveness cannot be rushed, but is NOT synonymous with reconciliation. You can forgive without reconciling. Trust must be earned before true reconciliation can happen. Trust is not a right.

What Does Repentance Look Like?

Forgiveness and Reconciliation with Wendy Alsup by Theology Gals

Theology Gals podcast has so many amazing episodes that would be beneficial to look through and listen to. They interview many women and men who have been been through so much and they give great resources as well.

The Place We Find Ourselves has a few episodes on forgiveness that I found very helpful.

Wendy Alsup also has some great books that may be helpful.